Funny robo

  A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."

  A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No s*x on the beach! Get back to work!" The husband yells back, "We're not having s*x!" Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

  A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

  He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!" "Sure, whatever," says the bartender. The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing. "The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!" A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing. "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!" "Sure, whatever," says the bartender. The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!" The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."

  A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear. The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!" The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

  One night a little girl walks in on her parents having se*. The mother is going up and down on the father and when  she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about se*  so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big  so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime  you leave in the morning, the lady next  door comes over and blows it back up.”

  Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon  quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having se*." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

  Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven. God is standing at the gate. "Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven." Newton is up first. He shows God "Principia". God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity. God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him. Next up is Darwin. He shows God "Origin of Species". God says "You nailed it!" He lets him in. Finally, the modern Scientist is up. God asks to see his work. "Sorry", he says. "It's paywalled."

  A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!  Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!"  London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and ...

  A very attractive woman goes up to the bartender in a quiet rural bar... ...She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. She asks softly, 'Are you the manager?', while stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no the man replies. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't breathes the bartender. Is there anything I can do? Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message for me She continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck on them gently. What should I tell him? The bartender manages to say. Tell him, there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

  A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar. The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs. The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building. The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here." "Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?" The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."

A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?" The wife answered, "No, of course not!  I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you,  are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? " He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister."  

  The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,   “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.   Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”   “Why?”   “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”